Are you looking for funny marriage quotes or funny marriage advice ? Here we’ve gathered some funny marriage advice quotes that’s hopefully can bring a smile to your face.
Funny Marriage Advice For Men
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
-Lyndon B. Johnson
Funny Marriage Advice For Women
“Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.”
– Mae West
Funny Marriage Advice For Newlyweds
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Funny Marriage Quotes For Him Or Her
“To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half- shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”
– Bill Cosby
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
“Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.”
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“You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.”
-Toni Sciarra Poynter
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.
“All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.”
“An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
“Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.”
“A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”
-Anne Taylor Fleming
“Woke up in bed with a gorgeous woman, who I’m going to have lunch and the rest of my life with.”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
-James Holt McGavran
“Sexiness wears thin after awhile and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that is a treat.”
― Joanne Woodward
“In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy. The truth is precisely the opposite: it begins all.”
-Anne Sophie Swetchine
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
– Lana Turner
“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
– E. Joseph Cossman
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
“Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage.”
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
-Henry Louis Mencken
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.”
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
“A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.”
– James H. Boren
“Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”
“A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.”
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.”
-Robert Fulghum, True Love
To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
“A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.”
– Paul Sweeney
More: Funny Anniversary Quotes
After marriage, husband and wife benete two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
“A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Marriage Advice for Newlyweds
- Marriage isn’t always 50-50. You’ll have plenty of people telling you that the key to a happy marriage is to make it an equal partnership. While in an ideal world, that might be the case, we don’t live in an ideal world. You might get the flu and only be able to give 10%, your spouse will have to man-up and give the other 90% until you’ve recovered. It goes both ways. It’s not an equal partnership: It’s a balancing act.
- Don’t lose your spark. It’s tempting, once your honeymoon is over, to fall into a dull routine. Don’t lose that spark that brought you together. Instead, make time to make your relationship a priority every single day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Not only will that help to keep your initial spark alive, it will nurture that spark into an amazing blaze.
- Forget stereotypes. Don’t try to shoehorn yourself or your spouse into some stereotype. He does not necessarily need to be the breadwinner and/or she does not need to stay home to be the mother or home maker. This is not the 1950s. Both partners can have a career, either one can stay home and care for the children and the home, or it can change as often as need be.
- Do everything in your life with love! No matter what happens in your life, remember the love that brought you together. Strive to put that love into everything you do, because the more love you give, the more you will receive in return. There is no greater thing in this world than love, and we can all use more of it in our lives.
Hopefully you enjoyed these funny marriage quotes and marriage advice Love is the most important thing in this world, and we should all strive to put a little more of it out there.